These two photos are hauntingly beautiful to me, for one reason…….I can clearly see Jonathan‘s soul. Been struggling for a year to catch a glimpse of my own, hoping to reconnect with an emotion responsible for a specific biochemical reaction. Have been unsuccessful in my attempts……mainly because seeing depths to this degree is almost impossible to achieve.
Yet with Jonathan Scott, I fight time and again not to see his. Happens only when his face is “naked”………..free of make-up and not pumped full of botox. Stop myself short of seeing………..because to gaze upon a person in this manner is akin to peering right into the core of their being. It’s not something that has ever happened with a stranger…………and because it’s more intimate than sex alone, baring witness to it…………without Jonathan‘s knowledge or consent, feels like a violation against him somehow. The only people who have the right to see him at his most vulnerable are those he loves.
I struggled to start this blog……for this and many reasons.
Seems I have an aversion towards fame and fortune…..which I didn’t even know was a thing until realizing, “Sh*t! This site will have to go viral for Jonathan to see!”. Don’t get me wrong……money and power are nice. Wanted them as much as any kid. Also wanted love without conditions. Mom dying changed everything. The pursuit of riches and infamy was so empty without her. I could never return to the public realm unless I had someone with whom to share the dream; to be my balance.
I don’t trust people easily; not enough to believe they won’t leave. Spent much of this life hiding aches and pains, constantly embarrassed and ashamed of my state of health. When “divine beings” suddenly intervened, after having never done so before……..well, I got the message loud and clear my situation was dire.
Only significant change to occur happened Labour Day, 2017. Began experiencing sharp, shooting pains to my right side while corralling the dogs. Sent me to the hospital cramped and crippled at least a half dozen times. Included fevers. Of the day referenced in A Banshee’s Cry, was in the gynecologist‘s office……because assumed somehow this was all connected to a pre-existing ovarian condition.
Never noticed the pain subsided the instant I got angry at Jonathan Scott and vowed to kick his a**, but was aware of its return……..right after he was named my muse. Doctors now theorized this might have something to do with my large intestines.
Was laid up a total of three times over a six-week period. Spent those days watching Property Brothers…….because as usual, this “great divine” would not allow for anything else. Only links pertaining to episodes in which Jonathan‘s clutching his side….in the same position I was, played. Found myself asking, “Is this Jonathan‘s pain or mine?”…….to which the discomfort abruptly stopped, each and every time.
No incidences have occurred since the last event……when I found myself wondering if this pain was real or something of “cosmic design” intended to “link” Jonathan Scott and myself somehow. As an empath I am able to feel another’s pain, but I cannot hear their cries from such a distance; not of an individual……and definitely NOT someone I am not acquainted. Seen enough symptomology-wise to recognize Jonathan suffers with the same gastrointestinal concerns as Wyatt*…..perhaps because they are both Scottish; likely even distantly related. Mint is a dead giveaway as it’s a “natural” remedy in soothing the “upset stomach”. Would likely respond well to Homeopathy.
This side pain of mine is nothing more than an irritation to an old abdominal injury…….which can be treated easily with ultra-sound. The fact it caused so much pain, but no real damage has had me wondering if this were not some sort of “divine” ruse…….to divert me towards Jonathan‘s direction. This journey didn’t start in that doctor’s office…..and it didn’t start with me. “Something” I still cannot fathom put things in motion nine months before I ever laid eyes on Jonathan, learnt his name, or knew who he was…….supposedly because their interest was always in him.
Not gonna’ lie. Was heartbroken my situation did not warrant any special “spiritual” intervention. Immune system had been struggling to keep from falling…….but could feel it slipping towards crisis. By my estimation, had less than two years to live………and only enough energy to fight for more time or tell this story. “Higher powers” seemed to have already made the decision for me.
At least I was able to write, no longer feeling guilty for inadvertently dragging Jonathan into my drama………because this was really his story. Wasn’t sure how to get it to him or what exactly he was meant to get from it………….just knew that by the time he ever read an article, chances were I’d probably be six-feet under.
My only care at this point was finding new mamas for my furbabies.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the individual