Metamorphosis

Well, this is pretty much the halfway point here……which means, there is an end in sight!  Yay!  Unfortunately Jonathan Scott makes a cameo in all articles to follow…..which leaves me feeling very apprehensive.  I really don’t want to piss him off.  Seems like a nice guy…….but if he’s anything like me, he won’t be happy.  I wasn’t……not until the end.  As important as the information in this blog is, I don’t want to put my company at risk.       

Remember the guy from my vision?  My childhood best friend shared so many qualities, I believed it was him…….initially.  Our future came to a grinding halt when he became privy to a family secret…..and left, supposedly to protect me.  Made me his benefactor…..out of guilt.  He grew up rich…..but only recently learnt the “family fortune” is in the billions.  I don’t want it.  I wanted him.  His love meant more to me than all the money and power in the world.  Just wish mine had been enough.

The best parties I’ve ever attended were ones where someone pulls out a guitar and everyone begins singing.  I particularly liked the scene in Property Brothers – At Home On The Ranch…..where the boys share their song “Hold On” with the audience.  Not sure how many days or weeks passed.  Just woke up one day thinking, “I wonder if they have a video?”.  Found it sitting on the computer screen waiting for me to press play.

This best friend had these eyes……which when forced to look into them, caused every barrier inside me to fall.  Couldn’t lie to myself at these moments.  Was always this way……..until everything went sideways.  Forgot about it…….until Jonathan Scott.  A shot of his eyes followed by the line, “I’m coming home.“……and suddenly my entire world collapsed.   

Pinterest

Nobody who knows us, knows my friend travels with full military convoy whenever in Russia.  He works with various agencies around the world; has diplomatic privileges in well over 51 countries now.  Used to get a carload of “men-in-black types” stationed outside my home every time there was an impending terrorist attack.  Never fully understood his “business”, but as long as it didn’t touch us I learnt to live with uncomfortable uncertainties. 

Upon seeing Jonathan‘s eyes and hearing his voice a wall between my conscious and subconscious minds disintegrated.  I spent years blaming myself for this event……because I couldn’t accept that if he was capable of this, there was nothing left to save.  He drugged me.  Took tissue samples and withdrew body fluids in a manner in which puncture marks were undetectable.  Don’t know the reason why.  Likely never will.  Still cannot account for three hours. 

This guy was home to me, for nearly thirty years.  I was always his home.  I wanna’ say I fell apart…….but when our bond irrevocably broke, all I felt was free.  Won’t lie.  I was scared too.  For the first time since I was a child, I was without a “home”…..and no one was looking to make me theirs.

It’s interesting that all these lost memories returning to me while watching Brother vs. Brother and Property Brothers – At Home are from a time prior to this man’s arrival in my life.  What I knew of love then, came from visions of a man I wasn’t even certain existed. 

In Vegas…..while listening to Calum Scott‘s song “You Are The Reason“, there was a moment where time suddenly slowed.  The vibrations in my body changed.  I connected….mind and mood….to someone for just a second, long enough to know……he once loved me very much.  Don’t know “when” or “where” this was.  Message was clear though; I wouldn’t find him.  IF and when he’s ready to be found, he’ll find me.  Hard as it is knowing I could be standing beside this man and not recognize him…….the guy from my vision is here someplace in this world, alive and very real.      

There goes my hands shaking
And you are the reason
My heart keeps bleeding
I need you now.

If I could turn back the clock
I’d make sure the light defeated the dark
I’d spend every hour, of every day
Keeping you safe. 

During the month of July and for much of August, I entered an altered state I assume is not dissimilar to those in which mystics achieve.  My experiences here, were quite different from the one and only other time I reached an alternate state of being.  In this case, I found myself in the brightest and most peaceful place by accident……having sank and been unable to fight back the darkness that eventually swallowed me.

Powell Gardens

I was seventeen at the time.  My first boyfriend pulled a plastic bag over my head and refused to let go……all to teach me a lesson about “my ugly eyes”.  Said I wasn’t worth going to jail for, but that the world would be better off without me.  Plan was to drive me so insane, I kill myself.  Took great pleasure in mentally and emotionally tormenting me. 

I discovered that beyond the darkest place imaginable, is the most beautiful light.  Wherever I was, I heard only my own voice; experienced only my own emotions.  I felt empowered.  Healed.  In the weeks following, I would see my soul…….and the rest as they say, was history.

This time around, I wasn’t devastated or broken.  I think I was just ready for change.  It was different.  I was solidly planted; not feeling as if I were floating outside myself.  My mind was working 24/7……mapping pathways throughout my body; seeing problems and solutions in a whole different light.  I was changing…….so much so, other people noticed.  My movements were fluid for the first time in nearly a year.  I walked with ease…..each step conveying a sense of purpose; meaning.  Motions were so swift, others couldn’t keep up.

Halestorm‘s “I Am The Fire” became my favoured song because it perfectly complimented this sense of “being the fire; the lightning”.  Electrical impulses were coursing so quickly through my central nervous system, I really did feel like lightning come alive.  There was a heat; fire in my chest….so warm and bright……..didn’t know then my body was attempting to repair an organ badly damaged since I was seven.

I recall in the months following my eighteenth birthday, I became “magnetic”.  I somehow boosted my pheromone output; turned myself into a walking “Love Potion #9“………for vengeance.  Laughed at every heart I broke….because it was easier than loving, after an abusive situation.  Didn’t go to such extremes this time…….but noticed the polarity in me seemed to flip.  Somehow changed my luck……..played the lotto every day and won, for six weeks straight.  Even managed to “turn on” a light receptacle, which hadn’t worked in nearly fifteen years…..by just strolling passed it.  Remained working the entire time I was in this deep channelled state.

Didn’t wake up one morning thinking, “I’m gonna’ enter an intensive, contemplative state.” and there it happened.  If it were that easy I would have gone into a deep channel looking for answers long ago.  Some “sixth sense” instinct kicked in, allowing me to take advantage of a co-worker’s loss……connect direct to the other side when her loved one passed.  Of my experiences, they mirrored a “soul” remedy I tongue-and-cheekily call Love Potion #9

Before writing this blog became a necessity, Jonathan Scott was not a man who frequented my mind.  I had a bias towards him; an instant dislike for a number of reasons……the biggest of which was, he is a visual compilation of three persons who had interest in me.  Once I let go of my friend, whatever animosity I had towards Jonathan slowly diminished……which kinda’ made sense.  One of these men gave me an ultimatum:  him or the best friend.  Knew the others would require the same too.  I was actively encouraged me to find love with someone else……but couldn’t give up on him until I found out why he left.

Spent most of my summer under the shade of a tree.  Had experienced this sensation……like an Olympic torch had been passed around the world and returned to light a flame eternal inside me.  Was busily contemplating this……too much, so did not notice when the unfamiliar melody began playing inside the house.

OneWed

Was an image of Jonathan Scott that broke my concentration.  Not even sure how it got to the forefront of my mind.  Suppose it could have been anyone as I didn’t exactly see his face……but I know it was him.  He wasn’t alone.

As a woman who deeply loved a very flawed individual for nearly three decades; an empath having experienced a wide range of moods belonging to others, I have never in my life felt anything as profound as what was happening here in this instant.  There is not one single word of love….or any combination thereof, that could truly do this moment justice.  Was a “you gotta’ feel it to believe it” kinda’ thing.

So many times I wished I had the ability to take this scene from my head and place it into the mind of others.  Would love to paint it…….infuse the dyes with these emotions and hang it in Le Louvre for all to witness. 

There’d be other events connected to “the day”…….but I’d see and feel this one clearly only the once.  Drifts into my thoughts ever-so-often, revealing more details I missed.  Was aware a song was playing in the background; the unfamiliar one I hear in my house.  Always pops up on the computer whenever I see anything more associated with “the day”.  Came to eventually learn the artist’s name….Ed Sheeran.  His song is aptly titled, “Perfect“.

2 comments

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