|Paulo Coelho @AZ Quotes|
The remainder of Drew’s Honeymoon House passed with little incident. The only thing noteworthy was the announcement of Jonathan Scott‘s status change from “couple” to “single” nearly a week after returning from Africa….from my perspective. My only exposure to this couple was the Guest Suite episode. I watched their body language the entire time and saw only myself and Wyatt* in them. Ours was a drama-free relationship. I had much respect for the man then…and now. Unfortunately our paths were only meant to cross, not remain parallel.
Plato‘s The Symposium, is my all-time favourite origins’ story regarding the concept of soulmates. Humans originally had four arms, four legs, and two heads (some versions say single head with two faces). There were three genders: man, woman, and the “Androgynous”, each with two reproductive organs, the Androgynous having one of each. The men were children of the sun, the women children of the earth, and the Androgynous children of the moon (which were born of the sun and the earth). Humans came to realize all they had, they obtained through time and hard-work, not the Gods whom they paid tribute. They decided to confront the Gods and began their ascent to Mount Olympus. This made Zeus furious, but instead of destroying his creation he decided to give them a task that would keep them so preoccupied they would never again question the Gods. He grabbed a lightning bolt, threw it at the procession, and split every person in half. He called upon the winds and scattered each half to one of the four corners of the earth. From that day forth humans search the world for their other half longing to be whole again. It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that. Soulmate
Wyatt* was not my “other half” nor the man from my vision. I already knew this because there had been someone who seemed my perfect fit, but for reasons unknown to me at the time was hesitant to date me. Had we explored our relationship sooner, I may have seen he too was not the one. I took a gamble with Wyatt*. I knowingly compromised on the three things I knew in my heart I could not live without in order to be happy. I spent much of our time together feeling guilty over the fact I could not make myself love him the way he deserved. So I made the difficult decision to abstain from relations in favour of waiting for the right person for me.
1. A Soul Connection
I always needed to feel as if my union to another had been ordained by the cosmos itself. I had a relationship with someone that came close. Our karmic journey was so intertwined we remained spiritually bound for nearly thirty years. I didn’t like him. Then I loved him. He was my best friend, my muse, my first love, my anchor, father of my child, my teacher, my saviour, a thief, my tormentor, a liar……and my greatest downfall.
We were kindred; that much I know. Were we made for each other? I felt God’s presence at the moment we became friends….so I assumed yes. Yet throughout the years thoughts like “trial run”, “practice to prepare for something bigger”, and “to clearly recognize the ‘signs’ when it was finally time” appeared out of nowhere and left me wondering.
Our karmic cycle has ended. Our time is now done. Messages from the other side regarding this man are likely being received by another. Not happy or sad about our ending…just ready for something new.
I love my parents very much, but I grew up watching them hide aspects of themselves from each other. I didn’t want this. I wanted someone in whom I could be fully and completely myself. I got really lucky in that my first love more or less accepted me as is. Don’t know if he could have been okay with the whole talking to the dead thing. As I said in In Search of the Mystic Within, I was never allowed to speak of this to anyone and this included him.
It was while in university that a particularly astute friend outed me to the community at large. I was terrified. I’d never been forced to own my shadow side. I worried about prejudice, persecution, incarceration because I was led to believe this would always be people’s reaction. Yet everyone accepted me. I even gained small notoriety. It was a turning point for me.
Though I agreed to marry Wyatt*, I knew he did not accept all of me. He laughed hysterically whenever the subject of extra sensory perception came up. I couldn’t bring children into a marriage like this. I didn’t want them growing up feeling ashamed and hating themselves if by chance they too inherited “the gene”. I wanted better for them…..so I said no to children. Yet I couldn’t get the idea of being a mother out of my head. I wanted children more than anything. So I chose to opt out of our relationship.
3. The Business of Family
I may not be heir to a large fortune anymore, but I was conditioned to think a certain way about my station in life. It was a burden when I was young, wanting to marry for love and yet being seen as only a future inheritance to potential suitors. Taking legal steps to “prepare for divorce” in order to protect my family’s assets just felt like bad mojo. And to appease everyone, I searched for that “happy-medium” guy…..the one who could be trusted with our legacy to be a member, but who could separate himself from our dynamics when need be….to no avail.
One of the most magical moments in my life was the day I attended my first symphony. As I listened to the music, a new world full of colour and lights began dancing in rhythm before me. I wanted so badly to share this experience with my father. I asked every year if he could attend, only to be met with the same response, “He is too busy making money to pay for YOUR schooling and clothing.”. One year I got “cheeky” with my mother. I reminded her she was the one wanting us to attend private school and that I would gladly wear a potato sack without complaint for the rest of my life if he could see it in his heart to attend just one concert with me. She was angry. I was told I was being selfish; that we all benefited from his hard work. And that as a member of this family we all had to make sacrifices. Me included. I was nine years old.
I know he was always there for the big stuff….Christmases, birthdays, holidays…..but from that day forward, I wanted nothing more than for our company to fold. It was like having another sibling in whom I had to compete for Dad’s attention. I couldn’t see it from their perspective until I was much older. This was their brainchild. The law may have said it was only an asset, but to them it was an entity which fed and provided for us when times were good. When times were tough, we were tasked with making sacrifices to nourish it.
Whatever my individual dreams were and are…..I don’t know how to be part of a family that doesn’t co-exist around a shared business interest. I don’t know how to be mother to a child not in training to inherit a grand dynasty. I don’t know how to be wife to a man not looking to build an empire. This may be naive, but I still hope there is a good man out there with the capacity to see my parents’ vision and creation as the beating heart of our family….and not as a means to fund a lavish lifestyle.
Wyatt* lived well beyond his means because he’d already devised a plan in which to have his insurmountable debt legally pardoned. In contrast, I had a best friend who kept secret from me the fact he worked every summer as a garbage man to save enough money to cover his tuition, books, and boarding for a year. I saw the latter of the two as the better man simply because he never sought to “cheat the system”. His philosophies were more akin to the values my parents instilled in me. They could have taught me about social programs and legal loopholes, but instead chose to give me lessons in hard work and perseverance. Ours were humble beginnings.
Wyatt* believed he was in love with me, but I knew from day one he was always more in love with the idea of me. Phrases like, “I LOVE you come from a prominent family with money.” revealed his desire for prominence, power, and riches. He also LOVED having a girlfriend he claimed “every man wanted” because apparently I turned heads. He really enjoyed being envied by the masses.
He wasn’t a bad guy for having dreams he believed my social status could somehow manifest, but it did often skew his vision of me. I was not a so-called socialite with money and connections. I was a woman whose previous boyfriend emptied her accounts in the sum of $25,000, took every paycheck she made, and left her with credit card debt nearing $30,000. I was in the red for almost twelve years before a lien against my house forced me to ask for help.
The nice thing about not being too smitten with him is I rarely put up with his bullsh*t. At the onset of what would become a debilitating and near-fatal illness, he told me he was embarrassed to be seen in public with me because I was no longer attractive….that if I loved him I would change. It was sad he could not see I was still the same beautiful woman inside. I was actually happy he was not there to witness my eyes, lips, and nails turn blue; skin turn yellow; hair fall out in clumps; teeth become loose; and speech and motor skills slowly become impaired.
I think the big difference for me and him is outwardly I reflected ideas he’d already dreamt for himself. I, however, was always looking for a particular set of eyes that saw me in ways I’d never dreamt of seeing myself…..but suddenly very much wanted to see as they did. I wish I liked the way I looked in his eyes, but it wasn’t the best reflection of me. I learnt much from him though. I am thankful for our time.